Going Crazy

I have a confession to make. I think I'm going crazy, the picture above is a fair representation of what the inside of my head looks like right now.  I did a little math today and made a surprising discovery. The last time I was on a bike was January 20th, and according to my rather questionable mathematical skills that means it has been 51 days since I've ridden.

This cannot be a good thing.

It does answer the question of why I feel so shaky. Why I feel like the whole world is against me and why I seem like I am always walking on eggshells. I could blame it on a combination of bad weather (it is February in Pittsburgh we are talking about) and the mandatory overtime, but the truth is I know what I get like when I'm cooped up and I could have ridden lapse around the school if nothing else. I know better than this.

Its a Trap. I know its a trap, everyday I don't ride.
It gets harder to get on my bike.
It gets harder to drag it down the steps and out onto the road.
It gets harder to think about myself as a fatguy on an orange bike.
Instead I think of myself as just a fatguy.
Instead I think of myself as worthless.
Not riding becomes easy.
Not riding becomes what I deserve.

Until I get on the bike and start riding. As I travel down the road I find that those thoughts, those crazy thoughts, fall to the roadside, I guess they can't hold on at that rocking 13 miles per hour. So I got a ride on Friday. Flock of Cycles March Ride, and truthfully I can't wait, and am scared at the same time.

What am I scared of?

I'm not really sure. perhaps it is part irrational fear that my cycling friends will all of sudden realize I'm this fat old guy and wonder what they are doing hanging out with me. Part is the rational fear that I'll be so out of shape that I will be the last person on the ride holding everyone up.

Still I know I'll be accepted, I know when I pull up to dippy the dinosaur I will be greeted and welcomed as prodigal son, and that keeps me going.