Unsettling

Please forgive me if this post sounds a little... off. I had something unsettling happen to me just a few minutes ago. I’m still not sure how to handle what I feel about it.

I’ve decided that best thing I can do is be honest with you all and tell you what happened and by the telling try to understand what it is I feel. I am going on vacation soon and I am very excited about it. I was getting my clothes together and packing some away and sorting others for laundry so I can pack them away. (watching Iron Man while I folded and sorted clothes.) I came across a pair of jeans that still had their tags on them and for a moment I was excited to think I had bought a pair of jeans and forgot about them. I looked at the tag and realized why they still had the tags on them.  They were too small when I bought them (I must of grabbed the wrong pair when I bought them) My excitement turned to despair when I realized this. They were 50’s (thats inches for those in the know) and I was wearing a pair of 56’s.

Baggy 56’s but still seeing a pair of jeans that big and knowing they were too small was very upsetting. Still my jeans were baggy so I decided to try them on and see just how small they were on me. I didn’t realize it for a long moment that I could button them and zip them up.

I almost cried.

They were a little snug but I could button them, walk around and even sit down with them. It was as I sat there feeling more comfortable that I felt I had a right to that I began to feel unsettled. even now it is a feeling that I don’t understand. I  feel like I have convinced myself over the years that I deserve to be the big fat guy that I am. That I don’t deserve to truly happy or to feel comfortable with myself. I wonder now just what I’m going to do to sabotage this feeling that is just starting to make itself known.

I guess I’ll just keep riding.