How rough I hadn't realized until I took my first ride of the year on Saturday. Before I get all deep and philosophical let me say a couple things. This was the first day out for my Goggles That I built and I got to say they were a hit. Check out the video on Instagram. (and follow me while you're there) This is only phase one. My goal is to add lights to the helmet as well. (more on that in a future post.) Next I want to talk about the gaping holes in the road that I was afraid of even on B.O.B my bigass mountain bike.
These are not potholes. You can’t pay to ride a donkey to the bottom on a pothole! Just saying
On my ride I met old friends and new ones. As I was riding across the hot metal bridge (one of my favorite views of town) I met up with Marko (Old Friend) and Rusty Red (New Friend and so happy about it) and we rode around stopped at thick bikes where the southside soup crawl was in full swing. Again it was so good to connect with friends I have missed. I could feel my soul beginning to unwind. That was when I began to realize just how hard this winter was for me. The Poet part of me would talk about how hungry my eyes had become, how I didn't realize I was starving until I feasted on the company of my cycling friends.
Don’t get me wrong, I am very lucky to have the friends I do have. At church, at work, and my family. I am surrounded by people who care. It is just that I had lost a huge group of people I cared about and all the time I was missing them I was thinking it’s OK
when it wasn’t
My mind knew, My body knew, I was the only one who didn’t figure it out. I can look back on my Facebook posts and find those times when I felt alone, and angry. I can remember the many many posts I deleted before they got posted because I felt they were too negative. When I was riding into town to go to Wingharts (great pizza, great cocktails) I had what I’m calling a moment of clarity. It wasn't that trumpets in the sky, the clouds parting, and angels coming down from on high. It was someone I know riding the trail in the other direction. I wanted to turn around and head the other way.
I didn't. I’m still angry with myself.
The truth is I battle this all the time. I know I have talked about it before and I will, no doubt, talk about it again. It is strange to be surrounded by so many people who really care about me and at the same time feel so alone and end up focusing on that hole in my life. While my cycling friends don’t fill that hole, they do help.
They help a lot.
This post has gotten a little uncomfortable for me and the truth is part of me wants to just delete the whole thing and start over, or at least edit out the parts that make me uncomfortable. I promised myself yesterday when I had my Moment of clarity that I would be honest with myself, and with all of you. So as this winter finally begins to loosen its grip and I face up to some of the foolish choices I have made I can only look toward the coming months with excitement and determination.
Next time I’m turning around.
Thanks Guys You mean the world to me.
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