You got this

Something happened today that really gave me a lot to think about. I can't say it was unexpected but I can say that it was surprising. You see I finished work and set to cleaning up my apartment (something that I am an expert at putting off) and while I was sorting through the clothes that had piled up on the chair, I came across a pair of jeans and two pair of cargo shorts (im not sure if they count as long shorts or short pants?) That I purchased a couple of months ago because I hoped that I would fit into them eventually. Fitting into these pants would be a milestone since when I started this journey I wore size 60 (yes size 60) and these jeans and cargo things were size 48. In my mind getting into sizes that are sub 50 is on par with getting the scale to read a weight of sub 300.

And that is what gave me so much to think about on my evening bike ride. ( a ride I cut short so I could come home and put these thoughts on paper) You see the last 11 years that I have been on this journey has been a time of both joy and sorrow, of accomplishment and failure. If I said that I never doubted I would be a liar. If I told you of the number of times that I wanted to just give up you would have to wonder how I ever managed to have any positive results.

There were times when I slipped back into my old life. Eventually I would pull myself out of it and just work from where I was. I can look back at the old me and I would like to say "I don't even know that man anymore.

But that would be a lie, and I'm trying to be honest here even when it hurts. You see the thing that have given me pause, and the reason I titled this post "You got this" is because over the past few weeks I have encountered too many people who think they can't do it.

Whatever that "it" is.

I can't lose weight, I can't find a job, I can't keep a job, I can't make it. It is all a lie. You can do it! One of the biggest lessons I have learned over these last 11 years was that I believed all the shit that this world had fed me and when that above picture was taken (1 month before I decided to try to make a change) I had given up. I killing myself a day at a time and I was known to say "I'm not gonna eat a bullet but I'm not going to do anything to prolong this either"

(you have no idea how difficult that last sentence was to type)

You see I still struggle with those feelings (everyday) and I still have days where I just want to curl up and quit trying. What do I do when I have those days, usually I curl up and order a pizza. Not the answer you were expecting? Let me tell you a little secret.

No one is perfect. No one wins all the time.

Just do what I do, Forgive yourself and move on from where you are right now. Because the truth of life, the real and brutal truth is that everything that has happened before this very second doesn't matter. There isn't a single thing you can do to change the smallest of your actions that happened a second ago let alone years ago. Please let yourself live. Turn your back on the past and give yourself permission to move forward toward whatever it is that you want.

You got this.

I would like to leave you with a little bit of something that I find encouraging. Amanda Palmer is an artist that more I see and more I find out the more I fall in love with her. (Major Internet Crush). Also she wrote a book that really changed the way I look at the world. It is called "The Art of Asking" You can find out more by clicking the link The Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer.

FitBit Review

55,875 125,831
That's how many steps I have taken in the week I have been wearing the Fitbit Flex. I picked it up last Friday Jan 10, 2014 and here it is the following Saturday Jan 24, 2014. I feel that I have worn it long enough to give it a fair review. Before I get into the review lets just give you a few stats and information on the device.

Fitbit Flex
Cost: 99$
Colors: Black/Slate/Lime/Pink (standard)
Bands also available in Teal/Tangerine/Navy
Purchased at: Best Buy but widely available
http://www.fitbit.com/store

Of course I Got the Tangerine Band so add 30$ to my bill for the extra pack of bands. (I could of ordered just the band I wanted online for 15 bucks but I'm just an instant gratification kind of person.)

Note:
I also linked my FitBit Account with an App/website called MyFitnesspal. This is an App/Website that makes tracking the foods you eat really simple to do. It also helped to educate me as to what I’m actually putting in my cake hole. (is cake hole one word or two?) Also like the fitbit I found that knowing that I was going to record everything helped me to make some changes (I still went to Quaker Steak Buffet but I know I ate much less than I would usually. Between the fitbit and the App I feel like I am making a conscious change for what might be the first time. If you have a smartphone and are even a little serious about making a real change in your eating habits I would recommend giving Myfittnesspal a try.

Setup
Setup was a breeze. The Flex comes with a wireless Dongle that allows your computer to read the sensors in the wrist band. I also Got a small use charging cable that so far I have only had to use to charge the sensor when I took it out of the box and after a week I am at half a charge (so far the charge has lasted about 10 days). After it was fully charged I followed the setup on the fitbit site and after 10 min I was good to go. The website says the fitbit is waterproof and you can shower with it. Which I have done with no problem.

The fitbit dashboard sets up some starting goals and since I signed up with Facebook it let me know who of my friends were also Fitbit users. This added a social side of the fitness tracking that I did not expect but I found very helpful. Seeing how many steps my friends had taken over the week helped me to know I wasn't alone in this, it also added a bit of competition. I would be lying if I didn't admit to finding myself trying to get extra walking in knowing that my friends were going to see how much or how little I walked each day.

10,000 Steps
That's the goal that Fitbit starts you out at. You can easily change that goal but I decided before I went changing things I would see just how reasonable of a goal this would be for me.  Lets see:

• Saturday 3604 steps
• Sunday 6561 steps
• Monday 10236 steps
• Tuesday 8534 steps
• Wednesday 9358 steps
• Thurdays 9555 steps
• Friday 8027 steps

You can find my FitBit Profile here:
http://www.fitbit.com/user/2C4LRC
You can find Myfitnesspal profile here:
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/user/terryb953/status

I have made almost all of my information public to everyone. I don't have much to hide. You should be able to see how far I have walked each day, what I ate, and when the weather improves, I will add my other outdoor activities (biking and whatnot)

So for me I think that 10,000 steps is a good starting goal, My day isn't particularly active and the one day I managed to get over 10,000 steps was one that I had to do a bit of extra walking around but I could also see that I could have easily gotten to my goal with just a little bit of extra work. When I can make this goal for a week straight I will up it by 2500 steps and see what happens. I have noticed that I have been more active since I started wearing the Flex. and just after a week of wearing I have noticed that I am moving around easier. After trying to take 10,000 steps on Monday I was sore and my knees ached, but by Friday I found that I was able to walk around easily and felt more comfortable walking than I had in the past. I am hoping this continues.

Readout
I purchased the Flex instead of the Force for a couple of reasons. First was price, the Flex was 99$ and the Force was 129$. For the extra 30 bucks you got a nice OLED readout that acted as a watch as well as giving you all kinds of nifty information. As much as I am a closet watch whore I didn't really want another watch. I have a watch I really like and several times I have not bought a new watch because I wasn't gonna stop wearing my Black and Orange G-Shock. I knew that the Flex used a line of 5 lights as a readout and I was a little leery about what kind of information I could get with just 5 little lights. Turns out the answer is “A lot” I know how close I am to my goal (each light is 1/5 of your goal and the lights blink faster as you approach each level.), and I can see about how many steps I have taken. I can see if the band is in Sleep mode or not and if the tracker needs recharged. For a row of 5 little lights I’m calling that one a win. Also something I found out that I must of somehow missed the first time. When you reach your goal the FitBit goes just a little crazy. lighting up, blinking and buzzing. It’s a nice feeling.

Sleep Tracking
One of the other things the Flex offers is Sleep tracking. You tell it (with a series of Taps on the tracker) when you go to bed and when you get up. (it has an alarm function but more on that later) the Flex will track how many times you get up during the night and how many restless periods you have while you are sleeping. While I don’t know about the restless periods I found the number of times you were awake to be accurate. at least twice it knew I was awake at night even when I didn't actually get out of bed, just woke up and stayed in bed before falling back asleep. Being a data junkie I love this kind of data. I don’t know what would happen if you don’t put the Flex into sleep mode at night. (I do know you can log your sleep manually on the fitbit site.)

Silent alarm
You can set up alarms on your flex through the website that will cause your band to vibrate until you tap it off. I was doubtful that it would be able to wake me in the mornings but it worked well enough that I am going to turn off the alarm I have on my phone and rely on the Flex to get me moving in the morning.  This is probably the one function of the Wristband I found most surprising and the one function I think I like the best.

Online Dashboard
Everything has a social aspect anymore. Sometimes I agree with this, sometimes I don’t agree or find the social side just a little silly. In this case I agree wholeheartedly. When you first sign up over at Fitbit.com you can sign up with Facebook and it will tell you which of your friends are also using the FitBit. I only had a couple but it was enough to get me moving and see how I stacked up against the others I knew. It didn't take long for me to find a few other people on the fitbit forums to friend.

Accuracy
I have wondered just how accurate the Fitbit (and all the other Fitness Trackers) is and over the last week I have had time to look at the data and think long and hard about this.

Is the Fitbit accurate? I have no idea,
Is the Fitbit consistent? I believe so.

What I mean by this is I have no idea if I have taken 10,000 steps when it says I have. What I do believe is that I have been twice as active on days when it reads 10,000 than on the days when it read 5,000. I also believe that knowing how active I am is more important than knowing how many steps I have taken. Looking at each days readout I can see when my active times are (heading to work and heading home) and when my inactive times are (after lunch and from 7pm to bed). I'm not sure what I’m going to do with this information but observing will change the outcome.

again I point you to the Hawthorne effect

*** One of things I believe is that things like this will help you lose weight and get into better shape if you are looking to lose weight and get into better shape. They are NOT some kind of magical item that will change you without work. What they do is to make you more aware of how active you are and encourage you to become more active. They act as a reminder when you are going out to lunch, so that maybe you want to skip the buffet or at least hold back a little.

I am reminded of my rules for cycling, Rule 9 You can do so much more than you think you can.

So if you’re trying to shed those pounds, get out and be a little more active or just want to see how active you are during the day then the Fitbit Flex, Force or any of the other Fitness Trackers out there is something to consider.

Or just pick up a 5$ Pedometer, I have had my share and perhaps its just my Gadget love but they never really did for me.

Fitbit Flex

So last night I picked up a Fitbit Flex and an Orange band for it (of course) and after letting it get a full charge I have placed it on my wrist. I find that I am very interested in what this little piece of gadgetry will tell me about my days (and nights with the sleep tracker)

You can expect a full review after I have had time to actually use it. So far there is somethings I can tell you about it. The set up was easy. I expected to have to answer a lot of personal questions (and I did) but when you are talking about a fitness tracker you are going to have to provide the information needed to make tracking your fitness as accurate as possible. So I answered the questions and it took about 15 min to get everything set up and running. I then let it charge overnight so that I was sure it would have a full charge. Not much else to say about it yet other than when went to the fitbit site it automatically read the information from my fitbit and told me how many steps I had taken since I put it on (113) it also let me know how many more steps my friends had taken.

So if you want to friend me on Fitbit my profile is http://www.fitbit.com/user/2C4LRC I figure the more the merrier. I have also gotten to the point where I have posted so much information on-line that is just a little silly for me to try and hide things like my weight. I am also hoping for some accountability as well. I know that you guys out there will know when my weight goes up (it will) and when my weight goes down (I hope it will) Just knowing that is sure to play a part in the choices I make.

See the Hawthorne Effect

Already while I'm writing this I am thinking "I should be doing something for the fitbit to record."

Unsettling

Please forgive me if this post sounds a little... off. I had something unsettling happen to me just a few minutes ago. I’m still not sure how to handle what I feel about it.

I’ve decided that best thing I can do is be honest with you all and tell you what happened and by the telling try to understand what it is I feel. I am going on vacation soon and I am very excited about it. I was getting my clothes together and packing some away and sorting others for laundry so I can pack them away. (watching Iron Man while I folded and sorted clothes.) I came across a pair of jeans that still had their tags on them and for a moment I was excited to think I had bought a pair of jeans and forgot about them. I looked at the tag and realized why they still had the tags on them.  They were too small when I bought them (I must of grabbed the wrong pair when I bought them) My excitement turned to despair when I realized this. They were 50’s (thats inches for those in the know) and I was wearing a pair of 56’s.

Baggy 56’s but still seeing a pair of jeans that big and knowing they were too small was very upsetting. Still my jeans were baggy so I decided to try them on and see just how small they were on me. I didn’t realize it for a long moment that I could button them and zip them up.

I almost cried.

They were a little snug but I could button them, walk around and even sit down with them. It was as I sat there feeling more comfortable that I felt I had a right to that I began to feel unsettled. even now it is a feeling that I don’t understand. I  feel like I have convinced myself over the years that I deserve to be the big fat guy that I am. That I don’t deserve to truly happy or to feel comfortable with myself. I wonder now just what I’m going to do to sabotage this feeling that is just starting to make itself known.

I guess I’ll just keep riding.

Before and After

This is me a month before I started Riding my bike. March 24th 2006. What you see in my hands there is the remains of a Super Battleship. A 27" Hoagie and yeah I ate it all. I almost didn't want to show this picture to anyone. Just one look at my face and I can't believe it.

Here is a picture I took when I got home. I know I'm still a great big guy but I am so happy that I am not that great big guy in the first photo. I can only guess that I in the first photo I was 430 - 425 pounds and now I think I'm around 350 - 360 

All of a sudden I feel pretty damn good.

Going Crazy

I have a confession to make. I think I'm going crazy, the picture above is a fair representation of what the inside of my head looks like right now.  I did a little math today and made a surprising discovery. The last time I was on a bike was January 20th, and according to my rather questionable mathematical skills that means it has been 51 days since I've ridden.

This cannot be a good thing.

It does answer the question of why I feel so shaky. Why I feel like the whole world is against me and why I seem like I am always walking on eggshells. I could blame it on a combination of bad weather (it is February in Pittsburgh we are talking about) and the mandatory overtime, but the truth is I know what I get like when I'm cooped up and I could have ridden lapse around the school if nothing else. I know better than this.

Its a Trap. I know its a trap, everyday I don't ride.
It gets harder to get on my bike.
It gets harder to drag it down the steps and out onto the road.
It gets harder to think about myself as a fatguy on an orange bike.
Instead I think of myself as just a fatguy.
Instead I think of myself as worthless.
Not riding becomes easy.
Not riding becomes what I deserve.

Until I get on the bike and start riding. As I travel down the road I find that those thoughts, those crazy thoughts, fall to the roadside, I guess they can't hold on at that rocking 13 miles per hour. So I got a ride on Friday. Flock of Cycles March Ride, and truthfully I can't wait, and am scared at the same time.

What am I scared of?

I'm not really sure. perhaps it is part irrational fear that my cycling friends will all of sudden realize I'm this fat old guy and wonder what they are doing hanging out with me. Part is the rational fear that I'll be so out of shape that I will be the last person on the ride holding everyone up.

Still I know I'll be accepted, I know when I pull up to dippy the dinosaur I will be greeted and welcomed as prodigal son, and that keeps me going.

Making change is hard

Photo Credit: MKSavage

I had a conversation with a friend of mine last night that has really given somethings to think about.  We are both the same age and are both Larger people (I am far larger than he). We were talking about just how hard it is make a change for the better, and how seemingly easy it is to make a change for the worse.  To make things worse we both seemed to be surrounded by people who seem to think the answer is to just say;

“It’s easy just don’t eat so much.”
or
“Why don’t you just get more exercise?”

To me, that is like telling an alcoholic, “Just don’t drink.” or a smoker to “Just don’t smoke.” Having been a smoker and having struggled to quit I can tell you that those words ring hollow. When I hear things like that I just want to tell the person;

“No really, it’s easy, just don’t be a dick anymore.”

While I have never had the guts to actually say that, there were times when those words danced on the tip of my tongue. We talked for quite awhile and while we talked I knew this conversation would cling to me. I knew I would be carrying parts of this conversation for a long time after I had hung up the phone. We talked about needing to make a change in our lives and having to find a way to do more than just talk about making a change.

This is a difficult thing.

I have long preached about the evils of ‘I Can’t!’ and it is true, I believe that I can make a change. I also believe that making that change is going to be hard and if I have learned anything in the years I have lived it is that I will fail over and over again. I’m thinking I need to change the meaning of ‘Fail’ and ‘Succeed’.

This is also a difficult thing.

I’m not sure I have any answers, which makes me really uncomfortable. I’m a guy, we are all about having the answers, and making sure you know it.

I look at the idea of ‘Change’ and ‘Fail’ and ‘Succeed’ and I see how I need to change the meanings of those words in light of what I am struggling with. I need to stop looking at the forest and start looking at the trees (yeah I went there, reverse cliche) I end up overwhelmed thinking

“I’m old”
or
“I’m fat”
or
“I’m lazy”

When I really should be thinking

“I’m alive”

Each Moment is new, each moment is a chance to make a better choice. I have to find a way to forget about all the choices made before the eternal NOW. I can’t change them and worrying about them is going to me more harm than good. Now every moment can be a chance to make a better choice, rather than a time to regret the past.

Hey Fatso Part II

Photo Credit: Cribbe

This is Part II of a post, read the first part here.

Left of Sanity wrote in a comment for yesterday’s post

“Well I at least appreciate reading the struggle

This is like my struggle with academics. Always easier to surf the web than to try and solve complex (to me) math\physics\chemistry, etc problems”

When I read this I knew that I had touched a nerve, and as I talked to others about it over the past few days I heard similar stories with only the subject that varied. I found some comfort in the fact that I am not alone in this feeling. As the day went on I knew there was something I missed. I realized what it is and I am going to risk getting all biblical.

Romans 7:15
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do

Sound Familiar?

Now before you turn your brain off just because I quoted the bible I have to ask you to read Left of Sanity’s comment again and read the Quote from the book of Romans. This is the very thing I was talking about in yesterday’s post. The Idea that I know just what I should be doing, as well as knowing that those things I choose to do are unhealthy for me (unproductive - the case of Left of Sanity)

Still the question remains, What am I to do?

I could give the Sunday School Bible answer, and in a way I am beginning to think that the Sunday School Bible answer is the right one.

Wait, don’t hit the back button, Hear Me Out. Im not going to get all theological.

I promise.

The Sunday School Bible Answer is “Ask God to forgive you and get on with doing the best you can.” That is just what I need to do when I realized that I have, once again, let myself down. When I realize that instead of getting the veggie hoagie from subway for lunch I got the pepperoni Pizza and Chicken wings from the ‘Burgh. I have to give myself permission to forgive myself, and get on with making the next hour better than the last.

In the end I am getting the feeling that it is all about making better (healthier, productive) choices over time. I believe that it is over time that these choices (Healthier, Productive) become more and more natural. As I sit here and contemplate this I begin to see some things.

A year ago I would not have even thought about the idea that I need to make better choices. So the simple fact that I recognize my struggle may be the first steps in actually making a change that make take the rest of my life to full realize.

And if you think about it, taking the rest of my life to battle with the joy of bike riding is ok with me.

Hey Fatso

Photo Credit: Cribbe


The past few weeks have been rough for me. I won’t lie. Trying to get into shape is tough, trying to keep what little gains I have managed to achieve is even tougher.  For two weeks I was first away from home and without my bike and then on a cruise ship where I'm pretty sure the deck hands snuck into your room at night and fed you creampuffs while you were sleeping.

Why is it so hard to loose weight and so easy to gain it back.

This was brought home clearly to me yesterday as I picked my bike (the orange beast) up from my sister’s house where I had left it before going away and rode it the 2 miles home. This is not a difficult ride home. 15 min in I was sort of hoping someone would come along and perform a drive by mercy killing on me.

No really, I would be Tots cool with it.

As I was laying, gasping, on my bed after I got home I had one of those moments of cruel clarity where I am brutally honest with myself.  I try not to let this happen to often as I am really good at being really brutal.

I’m no good at being good to myself.

I admit it. I would much rather do the things that are bad for me, knowing they are bad for me instead of the things that are good for me. Even the things I enjoy like bike riding and going for walks.  These self-destructive choices are the same ones I make over and over again. I don’t know if the problem is that I don’t know how to make better choices or that I don’t really want to make better choices.  I know what the better choices are and still I choose (it is my choice)

I choose Lil Caesar's pizza over a healthy hoagie
I choose computer over biking
I choose blogging over going out walking at lunch
(I’m doing that right now)

How does one change? Truthfully I don’t know.

I have made peace with the fact that I will always be a Fat Guy on an Orange Bike. My struggle is keep from becoming a really Fat Guy on an Orange Bike.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

You can read Part II of this post here