You got this

Something happened today that really gave me a lot to think about. I can't say it was unexpected but I can say that it was surprising. You see I finished work and set to cleaning up my apartment (something that I am an expert at putting off) and while I was sorting through the clothes that had piled up on the chair, I came across a pair of jeans and two pair of cargo shorts (im not sure if they count as long shorts or short pants?) That I purchased a couple of months ago because I hoped that I would fit into them eventually. Fitting into these pants would be a milestone since when I started this journey I wore size 60 (yes size 60) and these jeans and cargo things were size 48. In my mind getting into sizes that are sub 50 is on par with getting the scale to read a weight of sub 300.

And that is what gave me so much to think about on my evening bike ride. ( a ride I cut short so I could come home and put these thoughts on paper) You see the last 11 years that I have been on this journey has been a time of both joy and sorrow, of accomplishment and failure. If I said that I never doubted I would be a liar. If I told you of the number of times that I wanted to just give up you would have to wonder how I ever managed to have any positive results.

There were times when I slipped back into my old life. Eventually I would pull myself out of it and just work from where I was. I can look back at the old me and I would like to say "I don't even know that man anymore.

But that would be a lie, and I'm trying to be honest here even when it hurts. You see the thing that have given me pause, and the reason I titled this post "You got this" is because over the past few weeks I have encountered too many people who think they can't do it.

Whatever that "it" is.

I can't lose weight, I can't find a job, I can't keep a job, I can't make it. It is all a lie. You can do it! One of the biggest lessons I have learned over these last 11 years was that I believed all the shit that this world had fed me and when that above picture was taken (1 month before I decided to try to make a change) I had given up. I killing myself a day at a time and I was known to say "I'm not gonna eat a bullet but I'm not going to do anything to prolong this either"

(you have no idea how difficult that last sentence was to type)

You see I still struggle with those feelings (everyday) and I still have days where I just want to curl up and quit trying. What do I do when I have those days, usually I curl up and order a pizza. Not the answer you were expecting? Let me tell you a little secret.

No one is perfect. No one wins all the time.

Just do what I do, Forgive yourself and move on from where you are right now. Because the truth of life, the real and brutal truth is that everything that has happened before this very second doesn't matter. There isn't a single thing you can do to change the smallest of your actions that happened a second ago let alone years ago. Please let yourself live. Turn your back on the past and give yourself permission to move forward toward whatever it is that you want.

You got this.

I would like to leave you with a little bit of something that I find encouraging. Amanda Palmer is an artist that more I see and more I find out the more I fall in love with her. (Major Internet Crush). Also she wrote a book that really changed the way I look at the world. It is called "The Art of Asking" You can find out more by clicking the link The Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer.

First Ride of the Year

Its been a rough winter.

How rough I hadn't realized until I took my first ride of the year on Saturday. Before I get all deep and philosophical let me say a couple things. This was the first day out for my Goggles That I built and I got to say they were a hit. Check out the video on Instagram. (and follow me while you're there) This is only phase one. My goal is to add lights to the helmet as well. (more on that in a future post.) Next I want to talk about the gaping holes in the road that I was afraid of even on B.O.B my bigass mountain bike.

These are not potholes. You can’t pay to ride a donkey to the bottom on a pothole! Just saying

On my ride I met old friends and new ones. As I was riding across the hot metal bridge (one of my favorite views of town) I met up with Marko (Old Friend) and Rusty Red (New Friend and so happy about it) and we rode around stopped at thick bikes where the southside soup crawl was in full swing. Again it was so good to connect with friends I have missed. I could feel my soul beginning to unwind. That was when I began to realize just how hard this winter was for me. The Poet part of me would talk about how hungry my eyes had become, how I didn't realize I was starving until I feasted on the company of my cycling friends.

Don’t get me wrong, I am very lucky to have the friends I do have. At church, at work, and my family. I am surrounded by people who care. It is just that I had lost a huge group of people I cared about and all the time I was missing them I was thinking it’s OK

when it wasn’t

My mind knew, My body knew, I was the only one who didn’t figure it out. I can look back on my Facebook posts and find those times when I felt alone, and angry.  I can remember the many many posts I deleted before they got posted because I felt they were too negative. When I was riding into town to go to Wingharts (great pizza, great cocktails) I had what I’m calling a moment of clarity. It wasn't that trumpets in the sky, the clouds parting, and angels coming down from on high. It was someone I know riding the trail in the other direction. I wanted to turn around and head the other way.

I didn't. I’m still angry with myself.

The truth is I battle this all the time. I know I have talked about it before and I will, no doubt, talk about it again. It is strange to be surrounded by so many people who really care about me and at the same time feel so alone and end up focusing on that hole in my life. While my cycling friends don’t fill that hole, they do help.

They help a lot.

This post has gotten a little uncomfortable for me and the truth is part of me wants to just delete the whole thing and start over, or at least edit out the parts that make me uncomfortable. I promised myself yesterday when I had my Moment of clarity that I would be honest with myself, and with all of you. So as this winter finally begins to loosen its grip and I face up to some of the foolish choices I have made I can only look toward the coming months with excitement and determination.

Next time I’m turning around.

Thanks Guys You mean the world to me.