You got this

Something happened today that really gave me a lot to think about. I can't say it was unexpected but I can say that it was surprising. You see I finished work and set to cleaning up my apartment (something that I am an expert at putting off) and while I was sorting through the clothes that had piled up on the chair, I came across a pair of jeans and two pair of cargo shorts (im not sure if they count as long shorts or short pants?) That I purchased a couple of months ago because I hoped that I would fit into them eventually. Fitting into these pants would be a milestone since when I started this journey I wore size 60 (yes size 60) and these jeans and cargo things were size 48. In my mind getting into sizes that are sub 50 is on par with getting the scale to read a weight of sub 300.

And that is what gave me so much to think about on my evening bike ride. ( a ride I cut short so I could come home and put these thoughts on paper) You see the last 11 years that I have been on this journey has been a time of both joy and sorrow, of accomplishment and failure. If I said that I never doubted I would be a liar. If I told you of the number of times that I wanted to just give up you would have to wonder how I ever managed to have any positive results.

There were times when I slipped back into my old life. Eventually I would pull myself out of it and just work from where I was. I can look back at the old me and I would like to say "I don't even know that man anymore.

But that would be a lie, and I'm trying to be honest here even when it hurts. You see the thing that have given me pause, and the reason I titled this post "You got this" is because over the past few weeks I have encountered too many people who think they can't do it.

Whatever that "it" is.

I can't lose weight, I can't find a job, I can't keep a job, I can't make it. It is all a lie. You can do it! One of the biggest lessons I have learned over these last 11 years was that I believed all the shit that this world had fed me and when that above picture was taken (1 month before I decided to try to make a change) I had given up. I killing myself a day at a time and I was known to say "I'm not gonna eat a bullet but I'm not going to do anything to prolong this either"

(you have no idea how difficult that last sentence was to type)

You see I still struggle with those feelings (everyday) and I still have days where I just want to curl up and quit trying. What do I do when I have those days, usually I curl up and order a pizza. Not the answer you were expecting? Let me tell you a little secret.

No one is perfect. No one wins all the time.

Just do what I do, Forgive yourself and move on from where you are right now. Because the truth of life, the real and brutal truth is that everything that has happened before this very second doesn't matter. There isn't a single thing you can do to change the smallest of your actions that happened a second ago let alone years ago. Please let yourself live. Turn your back on the past and give yourself permission to move forward toward whatever it is that you want.

You got this.

I would like to leave you with a little bit of something that I find encouraging. Amanda Palmer is an artist that more I see and more I find out the more I fall in love with her. (Major Internet Crush). Also she wrote a book that really changed the way I look at the world. It is called "The Art of Asking" You can find out more by clicking the link The Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer.

First Ride of the Year

Its been a rough winter.

How rough I hadn't realized until I took my first ride of the year on Saturday. Before I get all deep and philosophical let me say a couple things. This was the first day out for my Goggles That I built and I got to say they were a hit. Check out the video on Instagram. (and follow me while you're there) This is only phase one. My goal is to add lights to the helmet as well. (more on that in a future post.) Next I want to talk about the gaping holes in the road that I was afraid of even on B.O.B my bigass mountain bike.

These are not potholes. You can’t pay to ride a donkey to the bottom on a pothole! Just saying

On my ride I met old friends and new ones. As I was riding across the hot metal bridge (one of my favorite views of town) I met up with Marko (Old Friend) and Rusty Red (New Friend and so happy about it) and we rode around stopped at thick bikes where the southside soup crawl was in full swing. Again it was so good to connect with friends I have missed. I could feel my soul beginning to unwind. That was when I began to realize just how hard this winter was for me. The Poet part of me would talk about how hungry my eyes had become, how I didn't realize I was starving until I feasted on the company of my cycling friends.

Don’t get me wrong, I am very lucky to have the friends I do have. At church, at work, and my family. I am surrounded by people who care. It is just that I had lost a huge group of people I cared about and all the time I was missing them I was thinking it’s OK

when it wasn’t

My mind knew, My body knew, I was the only one who didn’t figure it out. I can look back on my Facebook posts and find those times when I felt alone, and angry.  I can remember the many many posts I deleted before they got posted because I felt they were too negative. When I was riding into town to go to Wingharts (great pizza, great cocktails) I had what I’m calling a moment of clarity. It wasn't that trumpets in the sky, the clouds parting, and angels coming down from on high. It was someone I know riding the trail in the other direction. I wanted to turn around and head the other way.

I didn't. I’m still angry with myself.

The truth is I battle this all the time. I know I have talked about it before and I will, no doubt, talk about it again. It is strange to be surrounded by so many people who really care about me and at the same time feel so alone and end up focusing on that hole in my life. While my cycling friends don’t fill that hole, they do help.

They help a lot.

This post has gotten a little uncomfortable for me and the truth is part of me wants to just delete the whole thing and start over, or at least edit out the parts that make me uncomfortable. I promised myself yesterday when I had my Moment of clarity that I would be honest with myself, and with all of you. So as this winter finally begins to loosen its grip and I face up to some of the foolish choices I have made I can only look toward the coming months with excitement and determination.

Next time I’m turning around.

Thanks Guys You mean the world to me.

Really

My life is like this. After months and months of talking about Flock of Cycles to my friends and doing all I can to get them to come out on a ride, I finally managed it. Three of my friends joined me on their first flock ride. Just so happens to be the first flock ride this year with an actual hill.

Really?

Before anyone (especially those at Flock) think I'm complaining let me say that I'm not. There was nothing wrong with the route and it would of a made a pleasant change from the usual route. Also my friends made it up the hill and now have something to brag about. I just wish I could of warned them before hand. I talk constantly about the Flock of Cycles, I love the people and I look forward to the ride each month. I think it is kind of funny that when I finally get people to come on the ride it turns out to be nothing at all like what I made it out to be.

Life is like that sometimes.

I want to be serious and talk about two things. First off I want to say how proud I am that my friends didn't turn around when faced with that hill and made it up. I know many of you would smirk about me calling this is a hill. The truth is I didn't have any trouble with it either. Still it was hard for my friend and even though it was hard, there was no quitting. I am very proud of them.

Secondly when we were going up the hill we kept falling behind the group but we were never alone. Other Flockers stayed with us and encouraged us. I can remember my first few flock rides where I was the one in the back always holding everyone up. I wanted to quit. I felt like I was too old, fat, and slow. I didn't quit because back then there were people who helped me through it. People who made sure I made it and encouraged me when I wanted to quit.

It changed my life.

That isn't something I say lightly. So now I work to be the encouragement, and if Im lucky I can help someone else up that hill and give them the same feeling of accomplishment I had the first time I made it up that hill.

Icycle Bicycle 2013

This is what the street looked like this morning when I hopped on BOB and headed to the Icycle Bicycle ride of 2013. A ride that will forever be thought of in my head the BRRRR its COLD ride. You may remember that in my new years resolutions that one of my goals was to do the Icycle Bicycle. That is one goal down but I also added a goal to the list in that I want to pick up at least one tag this year. The tagorama on the Bike PGH forum is something that I wanted to do and have yet been able to accomplish. More on that later.

For some reason. Maybe the cold, maybe staying up late for New Years then getting up early for the ride but I just wasn't thinking to clearly. So I rode down to the waterfront and through sandcastle. (yes I know what you are thinking. "He can't be that stupid!!")

Yes he can.

This is what the trail looked like when I got to it. If you cant tell the word for the day would be un-ridable. I'm not positive it is a real word but it for sure is a real concept. (again I know what you're thinking "Well you just turned around and got on 837 and rode into the southside"...) I wish I could give an answer other than "Its a long walk to Paige's Dairy where I could get on the road...

Remember bed late - Up early. 

Still once I got on the road I made pretty good time and Got to REI about a half hour before the ride started. I got a cup of hot coffee. I filled my water bottles and met my friends (Both old and new.) I got meet and shake hands with someone who reads this blog (Hello Vannevar) Then we did the ride. I heard that over a hundred of us were out there braving the wet and the cold.  I loved it.

After the rough start I enjoyed the ride (even though I got seperated and did the last half on my own) Lunch and beers followed then a bus ride home and even as I type this I am gazing longingly at my bed. (Terry is a tired boy) Before I go I want to talk about 2 things the first is short, the second not so much. 

First finding the dry winter hat and dry winter gloves in my backpack after the ride was wonderful. I would seriously suggest you plan ahead and give yourselves these small comforts. (cooler of ice water in the car for when you get back from hot trail ride.) things like this can make a big difference.

Secondly. You guys know that I struggle with lots of things (weight, depression, money, feeling out of place) while I was walking down the trail, having to stop every 50 feet to give my leg a rest and yell at myself for being both stubborn and stupid. I found that it was all to easy to feel like I had not right to be here.

"What was I thinking?"

"I'm not a cyclist, I'm just a fat guy."

"This just proves I don't belong on a bike."

The truth is the only thing that kept me going forward was the feeling that I was closer to the end than the beginning and it would take even longer to turn around. I was decided that I would just ride to town, get on the bus, go home, put my bike away, and maybe never ride it again. I was in tears as I walked down the trail. I got a text and looked at it. It was from a friend, it said 

"I feel like crap, Bourbon, see you at 11."

I responded
"Doubtful, May get to REI by the time your back from the ride"

He responded right back
"Walk Faster"

So I walked faster, and I made there in time to do the ride. I also realized that it would be too easy to listen to myself during the rough times and just give up. Giving up is something I have done way too much of in my life. With friends like this, maybe I can change that.