You got this

Something happened today that really gave me a lot to think about. I can't say it was unexpected but I can say that it was surprising. You see I finished work and set to cleaning up my apartment (something that I am an expert at putting off) and while I was sorting through the clothes that had piled up on the chair, I came across a pair of jeans and two pair of cargo shorts (im not sure if they count as long shorts or short pants?) That I purchased a couple of months ago because I hoped that I would fit into them eventually. Fitting into these pants would be a milestone since when I started this journey I wore size 60 (yes size 60) and these jeans and cargo things were size 48. In my mind getting into sizes that are sub 50 is on par with getting the scale to read a weight of sub 300.

And that is what gave me so much to think about on my evening bike ride. ( a ride I cut short so I could come home and put these thoughts on paper) You see the last 11 years that I have been on this journey has been a time of both joy and sorrow, of accomplishment and failure. If I said that I never doubted I would be a liar. If I told you of the number of times that I wanted to just give up you would have to wonder how I ever managed to have any positive results.

There were times when I slipped back into my old life. Eventually I would pull myself out of it and just work from where I was. I can look back at the old me and I would like to say "I don't even know that man anymore.

But that would be a lie, and I'm trying to be honest here even when it hurts. You see the thing that have given me pause, and the reason I titled this post "You got this" is because over the past few weeks I have encountered too many people who think they can't do it.

Whatever that "it" is.

I can't lose weight, I can't find a job, I can't keep a job, I can't make it. It is all a lie. You can do it! One of the biggest lessons I have learned over these last 11 years was that I believed all the shit that this world had fed me and when that above picture was taken (1 month before I decided to try to make a change) I had given up. I killing myself a day at a time and I was known to say "I'm not gonna eat a bullet but I'm not going to do anything to prolong this either"

(you have no idea how difficult that last sentence was to type)

You see I still struggle with those feelings (everyday) and I still have days where I just want to curl up and quit trying. What do I do when I have those days, usually I curl up and order a pizza. Not the answer you were expecting? Let me tell you a little secret.

No one is perfect. No one wins all the time.

Just do what I do, Forgive yourself and move on from where you are right now. Because the truth of life, the real and brutal truth is that everything that has happened before this very second doesn't matter. There isn't a single thing you can do to change the smallest of your actions that happened a second ago let alone years ago. Please let yourself live. Turn your back on the past and give yourself permission to move forward toward whatever it is that you want.

You got this.

I would like to leave you with a little bit of something that I find encouraging. Amanda Palmer is an artist that more I see and more I find out the more I fall in love with her. (Major Internet Crush). Also she wrote a book that really changed the way I look at the world. It is called "The Art of Asking" You can find out more by clicking the link The Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer.

Unsettling

Please forgive me if this post sounds a little... off. I had something unsettling happen to me just a few minutes ago. I’m still not sure how to handle what I feel about it.

I’ve decided that best thing I can do is be honest with you all and tell you what happened and by the telling try to understand what it is I feel. I am going on vacation soon and I am very excited about it. I was getting my clothes together and packing some away and sorting others for laundry so I can pack them away. (watching Iron Man while I folded and sorted clothes.) I came across a pair of jeans that still had their tags on them and for a moment I was excited to think I had bought a pair of jeans and forgot about them. I looked at the tag and realized why they still had the tags on them.  They were too small when I bought them (I must of grabbed the wrong pair when I bought them) My excitement turned to despair when I realized this. They were 50’s (thats inches for those in the know) and I was wearing a pair of 56’s.

Baggy 56’s but still seeing a pair of jeans that big and knowing they were too small was very upsetting. Still my jeans were baggy so I decided to try them on and see just how small they were on me. I didn’t realize it for a long moment that I could button them and zip them up.

I almost cried.

They were a little snug but I could button them, walk around and even sit down with them. It was as I sat there feeling more comfortable that I felt I had a right to that I began to feel unsettled. even now it is a feeling that I don’t understand. I  feel like I have convinced myself over the years that I deserve to be the big fat guy that I am. That I don’t deserve to truly happy or to feel comfortable with myself. I wonder now just what I’m going to do to sabotage this feeling that is just starting to make itself known.

I guess I’ll just keep riding.

Resolution - Goals

Tis the season, so I'm told. Christmas marks the end of the year and the chance to start over. This is, of course, the time of the New Years Resolutions. I started thinking about the things in myself that I want to improve in myself. After the depression subsided I made the list you see above. For those who can't see the photo I'll give you the list.

• Ride Bike More
• Fix Myself
• Icicle Bicycle 
• Pedal Pittsburgh
• Ride more than 1000 Miles
• Write more
• Ride up 18th St
• Go on 7 flock rides
• Organize my own ride

As you can see most of these resolutions are cycling based and the reason for that is pretty simple. I view the act of cycling as being the answer to many of the problems I face, at least I view the act of cycling as being the one thing that can change me and make me a better me.

I want to talk about a few of the items (goal on my list specifically)

Ride more than 1000 miles
I added this one because I don't know that I have ridden more than 1000 miles this year. I very well might have. I did do quite a bit of riding this year. So I guess the big thing is that I want to know how far I have ridden and that means getting a cyclometer (or 2) and using it to keep track of how far I have ridden. When the last one I had broke I purposely didn't replace it because I found that I was spending too much time worrying about how far and how fast I was riding. Not sure how I can do both but I'm going to try.

Ride Up 18th
On the south side of Pittsburgh there is 18th street. a long sort of steep hill. (well long and steep for me) and last year I made a promise to ride up 18th. well it is December 21st so I don't think Ill make it before the end of the year.

Flock Rides
By Flock rides I am talking about the monthly Flock of Cycles Rides (if you're in Pittsburgh you really need to check them out) this ride is a slow paced, party ride that includes music and (weather permitting) a potluck picnic. Since this is a monthly event I have 12 chances to go on a flock ride. I am hoping to make it to more than half of them (if flock puts on a ride every month)

I also want to talk about what isn't on my list.

Weight loss
I have fought with one all of my life. I have tried to lose weight and I have lost weight, I have gained weight. I have let the idea of what I look like rule over me to to long. I will not allow what I weigh steal my joy, happiness and peace. I have decided instead to judge things on how I feel, not how I look or how much I weigh. I have noticed that more I ride the better I feel, so I'm gonna ride more and not worry about something as insubstantial as what I weigh.

Money
This is another one of those things I have struggled with my whole life, and once again I have found that I let my worries about money to steal away my happiness and leave me sleepless and sick. No More. I have over the past year learned to live a simpler life. This I plan on continuing.

So that is my list of resolutions/goals for the year of 2013 and I hope you will find it interesting and I hope that you make and keep your own set of resolutions. I for one am going to try to post my progress on these goals right here.

FGOB

UPDATE 1-1-13
I rode on the icycle bicycle ride and had a great time. You can view that post here.

Hello Hills

Canton Ave Pittsburgh Pa

I have never really liked hills. (Shocking I know) Being a Fat Guy on an Orange Bike hills have been my eternal enemy. However something happened yesterday that while it didn't change my feelings toward hills, it may have lightened it just a bit. I am getting ahead of myself, so allow me to start at the beginning.

Monday was my birthday (so now I'm a Fat Old Guy on an Orange Bike) and I had hatched a plan to make a batch of mead (honey wine) on my birthday for my next birthday. It was a good plan, I was going to make make a couple gallons and all needed to do was pick up some honey and some yeast from the homebrew store.  Little did I know that my birthday is of such great importance that even the homebrew stores closed to celebrate (granted they said they are closed every monday but I know the truth) So alas I had to wait until yesterday (Tuesday) to stop and get the supplies I needed. 

I had my bike with me and after work I threw it on the bus and headed to the Brew shop. I picked up the 10 pounds of supplies I needed (and some I didn't need but wanted) and packed these things in my backpack and headed back to town on my bike. Up Noblestown road. (yes I know many of you out there don't think of that as a hill but it is and I do. I was surprised to find that I made it up the hill with little problem (granted I didnt break any land speed records) and only stopped to get on the proper side of the road. Even with the heavy backpack I managed it just fine. 

So this morning I started to (once again) re-plan my different routes to and from work.

Bike Ride

Took a bike ride today. Only 6 miles and I feel both energized and drained. I haven't been out riding much this season.

it shows

Everything about me is even softer and fatter than usual. Getting out to ride today was Hard. I won't deny it. I did not want to go out riding, and I had a whole list of excuses and an even longer list of just plain crap reasons. I have been feeling pretty down lately, and I knew that if I went out riding that I would feel better.

I didn't really want to feel better, I wanted to revel in the black mood that's been settling on me.

I had to force myself, and I forced myself. -- I a, so happy I did.

That mood that clung onto me so deeply just couldn't keep a hold of me as the miles and laps clicked on. Eventually it just fell off and for now, for a short time I am free.

Cycling Manifesto

Alright I know this Isn't new and it isn't mine. If you know where it first came from please let me know so I can give credit.

Update: David Troyer commented on the source of the Cycling Manifesto as Skip Bennet of Surly Bikes http://www.surlybikes.com/blog/2514/

Thanks David.

The Cycling Manifesto

- If you think your bike looks good, it does.

- If you like the way your bike rides, it’s an awesome bike.

- You don’t need to spend a million dollars to have a great bike, but if you do spend a million dollars and know what you want you’ll probably also have a great bike.

- Yes, you can tour on your bike – whatever it is.

- Yes, you can race on your bike – whatever it is.

- Yes, you can commute on your bike – whatever it is.

- 26” wheels or 29” or 650b or 700c or 24” or 20” or whatever – yes, that wheel size is rad and you’ll probably get where you’re going.

- Disc brakes, cantis, v-brakes, and road calipers all do a great job of stopping a bike when they’re working and adjusted.

- No paint job makes everyone happy.

- Yes, you can put a rack on that. Get some p-clamps if there are no mounts.

- Steel is a great material for making bike frames - so is aluminum, carbon fiber, and titanium.

- You can have your saddle at whatever angle makes you happy.

- Your handlebars can be lower than your saddle, even with your saddle, or higher than your saddle. Whichever way you like it is right.

- Being shuttled up a downhill run does not make you a weak person, nor does choosing not to fly off of a 10 foot drop.

- Bike frames made overseas can be super cool. Bike frames made in the USA can be super cool.

- Hey, tattooed and pierced long shorts wearin flat brim hat red bull drinkin white Oakley sportin rad person on your full suspension big hit bike – nice work out there.

- Hey, little round glasses pocket protector collared shirt skid lid rear view mirror sandal wearing schwalbe marathon running pletscher two-leg kickstand tourist – good job.

- Hey, shaved leg skinny as hell super duper tan line hear rate monitor checking power tap train in the basement all winter super loud lycra kit million dollar wheels racer – keep it up.

- The more you ride your bike, the less your ass will hurt.

- The following short answers are good answers, but not the only ones for the question asked 

29”

Brooks

Lugged

Disc Brake

Steel

Campagnolo

Helmet

Custom

Rohloff

NJS

Carbon

31.8

Clipless

Porteur

- No bike does everything perfectly. In fact, no bike does anything until someone gets on it to ride.

- Sometimes, recumbent bikes are ok.

- Your bikeshop is not trying to screw you. They’re trying to stay open.

- Buying things off of the internet is great, except when it sucks.

- Some people know more about bikes than you do. Other people know less.

- Maybe the person you waved at while you were out riding didn’t see you wave at them.

- It sucks to be harassed by assholes in cars while you’re on a bike. It also sucks to drive behind assholes on bikes.

- Did you build that yourself? Awesome. Did you buy that? Cool.

- Wheelies are the best trick ever invented. That’s just a fact.

- Which is better, riding long miles, or hanging out under a bridge doing tricks? Yes.

- Yes, you can break your collar bone riding a bike like that.

- Stopping at stop signs is probably a good idea.

- Driving with your bikes on top of your car to get to a dirt trail isn’t ideal, but for most people it’s necessary.

- If your bike has couplers, or if you have a spendy bike case, or if you pay a shop to pack your bike, or if you have a folding bike, shipping a bike is still a pain in the ass for everyone involved.

- That dent in your frame is probably ok, but maybe it’s not. You should get it looked at.

- Touch up paint always looks like shit. Often it looks worse than the scratch.

- A pristine bike free of dirt, scratches, and wear marks makes me sort of sad.

- A bike that’s been chained to the same tree for three years caked with rust and missing parts makes me sad too.

- Bikes purchased at Wal-mart, Target, Costco, or K-mart are generally not the best bang for your buck.

- Toe overlap is not the end of the world, unless you crash and die – then it is.

- Sometimes parts break. Sometimes you crash. Sometimes it’s your fault.

- Yes, you can buy a bike without riding it first. It would be nice to ride it first, but it’s not a deal breaker not to.

- Ownership of a truing stand does not a wheel builder make.

- 32 spokes, 48 spokes, 24 spokes, three spokes? Sure.

- Single speed bikes are rad. 

- Bikes with derailleurs and cassettes are sexy. 

- Belt drive internal gear bikes work great too.

- Columbus, TruTemper, Reynolds, Ishiwata, or no brand? I’d ride it.

- Tubeless tires are pretty cool. 

- So are tubes.

- The moral of RAGBRAI is that families and drunken boobs can have fun on the same route, just maybe at different times of day.

- Riding by yourself kicks ass. You might also try riding with a group.

- Really fast people are frustrating, but they make you faster. When you get faster, you might frustrate someone else.

- Stopping can be as much fun as riding.

- Lots of people worked their asses off to build whatever you’re riding on. You should thank them.

Going Crazy

Photo Credit: Jiuck

Yep this is pretty much how I feel. I guess I could best describe it as "less than Stable" while I think others might describe it as "Smoldering powder keg of violence". I have always thought that the others are a bit over dramatic.

I haven't ridden my bike since November, and it shows both in my state of mind and my state of belly. Which is well on its way to declaring it's own statehood. I'm down to 3 days a week for work (which is at least one day a week less than what I really need to live on) So lots of happiness there and I am seriously considering taking up alcoholism as my new hobby.

There are few other things that I just don't feel like talking about here on the interwebs but I do see at least a little light ahead (with my luck they are Headlights)

The weather is getting better, well to the point that I should be getting the bike out soon. If I can find time to ride it (Please please please) I am sure it will help at least a little. if not....

I never had much use for sanity anyway.

Found a Cure

Photo Credit: Cuito Cuanavale

Ok not a cure, but perhaps a treatment. I was (and still am) feeling quiet anti-social but this story about 1000bikes.org  Dedicated to putting 1000 bikes into the hands of foster kids each year.

Yeah even I have stop and realize I am focusing to much on the negative.

Thanks to Urbanvelo.org

World Car Free Day

Today is World Car Free Day and I would urge you all to take a little time today to just think about how you could use your car a little less today.

Think about what being a little less car dependent would mean to you.

Think about walking to the store instead of driving.

What kind of change would that mean?

Would you have to decide what is really important to buy?

Would you have a new outlook on your purchases?
(weight instead of price)
(need over want)

Would you consume less if you knew that taking the last slices of bread meant either a bike ride to the store at night or no toast with breakfast?

Would you understand that a car as a tool is a great and wonderful thing.
but
A Car as a master is cruel and that handicaps you and teaches you "I Can't"

Leave the car at home, take the extra time to think

Take the extra time to learn "I CAN"

Quite Upsetting

Photo Credit: Turkinator

My last post ‘little of this’ I talked about how surprised I was when a teen girl told me she believed that she couldn’t ride a bike for two miles. I have been thinking about this a lot and trying (without much success) to understand how this could happen.

Today I found the answer. Karl Marx is quoted as saying “Religion is the Opiate of the Masses” I have always taken this as meeting that Religion (not faith) is what keeps people docile, controllable, predictable. While I am willing to admit that there still is an ‘Opiate of the Masses’ it is no longer Religion. Today as I sat in a booth at a local Eat-n-Park with my sister and her family (daughter, son-in-law, grand babies) I walked back to the salad bar and passed a young family with two young kids. Both kids sat staring into portable DVD players with headphones on.

My friends, you would of been proud of me. I wanted to slap the parents and call CYS and report a serious case of Child Neglect. I paused only long enough to realize that both kids were watching the same show, at a table, in Eat-n-Park, on DVD players.

These are the kids who are raised to believe in not what they can do, instead they are raised by what they can’t do. After work I usually head out, either going for a walk, or taken my bike for a ride. What shocks me about my time outside isn’t what I see, but what I don’t see.

I don’t see any other bikes outside.
I don’t see any one outside.
No kids playing.
No one walking.

Parents won’t walk the mile to the drugstore and take the car instead, this teaches the children that they can’t walk the mile. This teaches the young pretty fit teen aged girl at shop and save that not only is she incapable of riding a bike two miles to the store but there is no reason for her to ride those two miles.

After all that is what the car is for.

Hey Fatso

Photo Credit: Cribbe


The past few weeks have been rough for me. I won’t lie. Trying to get into shape is tough, trying to keep what little gains I have managed to achieve is even tougher.  For two weeks I was first away from home and without my bike and then on a cruise ship where I'm pretty sure the deck hands snuck into your room at night and fed you creampuffs while you were sleeping.

Why is it so hard to loose weight and so easy to gain it back.

This was brought home clearly to me yesterday as I picked my bike (the orange beast) up from my sister’s house where I had left it before going away and rode it the 2 miles home. This is not a difficult ride home. 15 min in I was sort of hoping someone would come along and perform a drive by mercy killing on me.

No really, I would be Tots cool with it.

As I was laying, gasping, on my bed after I got home I had one of those moments of cruel clarity where I am brutally honest with myself.  I try not to let this happen to often as I am really good at being really brutal.

I’m no good at being good to myself.

I admit it. I would much rather do the things that are bad for me, knowing they are bad for me instead of the things that are good for me. Even the things I enjoy like bike riding and going for walks.  These self-destructive choices are the same ones I make over and over again. I don’t know if the problem is that I don’t know how to make better choices or that I don’t really want to make better choices.  I know what the better choices are and still I choose (it is my choice)

I choose Lil Caesar's pizza over a healthy hoagie
I choose computer over biking
I choose blogging over going out walking at lunch
(I’m doing that right now)

How does one change? Truthfully I don’t know.

I have made peace with the fact that I will always be a Fat Guy on an Orange Bike. My struggle is keep from becoming a really Fat Guy on an Orange Bike.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

You can read Part II of this post here

Lonely Bike

Photo Credit: BO47

I'm pretty sure that is how my bike feels right now, and I can't really blame it for feeling that way or trying to do its best to dump my fat butt on the shoulder of the road next time I ride it. I haven't gotten to ride me bike in far to long.

Oh I could make excuses

I 've been away, I'm still healing from my last wreck... I could go on.

But they would be excuses and nothing more. I don't really have an excuse for not riding my bike more, other than I seem to be allowing my old lazy self to get back to the forefront. It is a fairly common occurrence for me, after all why do you think I'm still a Fat Guy on an Orange Bike. I am even smart enough to know what causes it. I start riding, start feeling good, start getting excited about life and then BAM something happens to shake my faith, to take the joy away, and instead of riding through it to the joy on the other side I just give up.

I really have to stop doing that.

I know in my heart that if I force myself to go out riding that all those things that are clinging to me, dragging me down will fall by wayside. As the miles click by on the computer I know that my worries and fears will begin to loosen their grip and eventually be left on the side of the road. On my bike I can outrun the voices that tell me I'm to fat, I'm useless, I'm damaged goods. I can't hear those voices with the wind in my ears.

I can't get the text message reminding of how I failed in the past
I can't open the bill I can't pay
I can't sit alone my room

Damn but I need to get out riding

Long Way Baby

Photo Credit: Paul Heckbert

So after years, (YEARS) of talking, planning, and fuming the bike trail from Pittsburgh to Washington DC is finally going to be finished. (click here to read Post Gazette Article) Notice I said “Going to be finished” and not “Is finished” since it will still be some time before the trail will actually be complete.  Still we have come a long way.

Here in Pittsburgh at least I don’t know if biking has ever been as popular as it is right now. Something happened last week that illustrates for me not only how far we have come, but sadly also how far we still have to go. Last week I took a cruise that sailed out of New York. Since this was my first time in the Big Apple I made sure that I got to go to Times Square and do my share of Gawking. I expected the people, all different kinds of people. I expected  the Pretty Girls and the overpriced everything. I expected the hawkers and the people trying to sell me everything.

I did not expect the bikes.

I was struck speechless at the sheer number and variety of bikes I saw. expensive bikes, cheap bikes, Expensive bikes made to look like cheap bikes. I even saw a guy delivering Pizza on an electric bike. I can’t even begin to estimate just how many bikes I saw both locked up and on the street.  This was the first thing I noticed and I can’t help but wonder if Pittsburgh will ever have the same percentage of people on bikes?

The next thing I noticed and the thing that I think really shows me just how far we still have to go was the bike trails. You see i noticed that there was a bike trail right by the hotel we were staying at in Jersey just across the Hudson and another Bike Trail in front of the Dock where we boarded the ship in NYC. I didn’t really think to much about it until I brought the area up in Google Maps with Biking option turned on

(Click here to see the map)

When I saw the amount of bike only trails that were available in Manhattan alone I have to admit I was kind of ashamed to compare them to the few that we have in Pittsburgh.

So while I Know that we have come a Long way, and should be proud of everything that has been done to promote biking here in Pittsburgh we need to remember that while we are holding our collective heads high we need to use that height to see down the line at what more can be done.

Personally I want to see that trail continue westward Detroit, Chicago anyone?