Unexpected

Here I am sitting on a bus headed to work in the morning, and I can't help wondering about things. About the change from losing so much weight.  About being alone and if I really want that or have just adapted to it since I never believed I had a choice in the matter.  For a long time now i have felt that being alone was a choice I made and I was better off. Now im not sure .

You got this

Something happened today that really gave me a lot to think about. I can't say it was unexpected but I can say that it was surprising. You see I finished work and set to cleaning up my apartment (something that I am an expert at putting off) and while I was sorting through the clothes that had piled up on the chair, I came across a pair of jeans and two pair of cargo shorts (im not sure if they count as long shorts or short pants?) That I purchased a couple of months ago because I hoped that I would fit into them eventually. Fitting into these pants would be a milestone since when I started this journey I wore size 60 (yes size 60) and these jeans and cargo things were size 48. In my mind getting into sizes that are sub 50 is on par with getting the scale to read a weight of sub 300.

And that is what gave me so much to think about on my evening bike ride. ( a ride I cut short so I could come home and put these thoughts on paper) You see the last 11 years that I have been on this journey has been a time of both joy and sorrow, of accomplishment and failure. If I said that I never doubted I would be a liar. If I told you of the number of times that I wanted to just give up you would have to wonder how I ever managed to have any positive results.

There were times when I slipped back into my old life. Eventually I would pull myself out of it and just work from where I was. I can look back at the old me and I would like to say "I don't even know that man anymore.

But that would be a lie, and I'm trying to be honest here even when it hurts. You see the thing that have given me pause, and the reason I titled this post "You got this" is because over the past few weeks I have encountered too many people who think they can't do it.

Whatever that "it" is.

I can't lose weight, I can't find a job, I can't keep a job, I can't make it. It is all a lie. You can do it! One of the biggest lessons I have learned over these last 11 years was that I believed all the shit that this world had fed me and when that above picture was taken (1 month before I decided to try to make a change) I had given up. I killing myself a day at a time and I was known to say "I'm not gonna eat a bullet but I'm not going to do anything to prolong this either"

(you have no idea how difficult that last sentence was to type)

You see I still struggle with those feelings (everyday) and I still have days where I just want to curl up and quit trying. What do I do when I have those days, usually I curl up and order a pizza. Not the answer you were expecting? Let me tell you a little secret.

No one is perfect. No one wins all the time.

Just do what I do, Forgive yourself and move on from where you are right now. Because the truth of life, the real and brutal truth is that everything that has happened before this very second doesn't matter. There isn't a single thing you can do to change the smallest of your actions that happened a second ago let alone years ago. Please let yourself live. Turn your back on the past and give yourself permission to move forward toward whatever it is that you want.

You got this.

I would like to leave you with a little bit of something that I find encouraging. Amanda Palmer is an artist that more I see and more I find out the more I fall in love with her. (Major Internet Crush). Also she wrote a book that really changed the way I look at the world. It is called "The Art of Asking" You can find out more by clicking the link The Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer.

Angry Face First Prototype

So I broke out the soldering iron again tonight and managed to get the lights for my Angry Eyes Bike Light wired up and some simple Animations programmed into the Arduino microcontroller. As it turns out the cover I 3D Printed for it was off (totally my fault) so I will have to go back to the drawing board for that.

Like that Last project the Bike Light I will be posting everything on my Github repository so you can download the code for the arduino, STL files for the 3D Printer, and all the notes I have made with wiring and anything else that I can think to add to make building your own easier.

I am still not sure how I am going to attach this to my bike. It would be easier to attach it to the Hipster bike than to the Macho Man. I would also like some better animations to show off what the lights can really do but for the moment this will have to do.

Angry face

So im thinking of an angry face for the rear lights of my bike. This is something i whipped up last night. We will have to see how the prototype comes out.

Bike Bag Light

My newest project

Been working on a safety light project for the last few weeks. I for one believe in bikes having lights and the more lights and the brighter the lights the better. One of the things I added to the programming was the ability to switch between different modes. Most of the modes are just for getting attention, like white and red blinking but I also added a pulsing rainbow and a cylon eye mode.

I can also easily change the program to add or change the animations The whole thing is powered by a usb battery charger. I picked up two of these chargers, a 5000 mah one and 10000 mah one. Once I get the chance to go out riding at night I will be able to see how long each of these batteries will work for.

Once I get the whole thing debugged and running I will post all the files and diagrams so anyone can build one. I will even post the parts list so that you can order all the parts and build one. Eventually I would like to replace the switch with a bluetooth link that I can control from my phone.

Edit - I started a github for all the files you need to build this for yourself

https://github.com/TerryBruce/Bikebag

Please let me know what you think

Gratitude

Gratitude

I chose this topic to restart my blog for several reasons. Firstly because it is something I have been learning to make the cornerstone of my life. You all should know that my faith is very important to me and you should all know that I understand that faith isn't as important to many (but not all) of my readers. Still I think this idea falls under how all people should act

I remember a time when I did something... I don't remember what, but a friend of mine on Facebook who I know doesn't believe in God told me it was good to see someone who claimed to be a Christian actually act like how they thought a Christian should act. I still consider that the best compliment I have ever received.

now back to being grateful

A while ago I felt like God was trying to teach me to be grateful. Grateful for the life I had, Grateful for everything and everyone in my life. Those I could help and those who helped me. I learned to be Grateful to God for everything in my life. The good (for being good) and the Bad for showing me little bad there was.

Of course God wasn't finished with the Lesson, God is never finished with the lesson.

After I learned to be Grateful to God. He is teaching me to be grateful to everyone around me. This is a difficult lesson for me. I wont lie. This isn't something I planned on doing here but I am reminded of a bible verse John 3:30 "He must become greater, I must become less." This is the lesson I am learning. Only when I realize that I have to be  am grateful for everyone I have in my life, that I can understand what being grateful really means.

So when I place my hands in front of me and bow to you and say thank you. Know that I really do mean it.

A new project

A new project of something that I am working on. I am going to add these to my helmet once I get these programmed i am hoping to have several different animations.